About dating and dating apps – under covid-19.When the choice is overload and less is better.

The Covid-19 pandemy is having an impact in most people’s lives since the the last 3 months, and even if the situation is getting better, in most countries we still live under incertitude. The whole world was locked down and most people have been experiencing, isolation, quarantaine, lack of physical contact and social distance to basically “stay alive”. Many have been experiencing loneliness and feeling loneliness for the first time, and it is not easy. It is a hard time to tame oneself and face our own demons.

Fortunately Netflix, pornohub and the internet in general save many of you from boredom and your demons. One have to learn to live 24/7 sharing a limited space and time with our family. We are not used to that anymore. In the other hand, it is a great opportunity to deepen and love your couple/family relationship or to end up hating them after too much exposure, control and pressure. For the single people, it should be easier but it can be challenging and depressing too but everything’s not lost, solutions and good ideas can be found. Check the Netherlands example :

Single men and women in the Netherlands are being advised to organise  a seksbuddy (sex buddy) after criticism of rules dictating that home visitors maintain a 1.5-metre distance from their hosts during the coronavirus lockdown. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/15/dutch-official-advice-to-single-people-find-a-sex-buddy-for-lockdown-coronavirus?fbclid=IwAR1gRKBUxVI194UcytpO4VIRQKc3pkKwfwZCLAiA1mF1K-xqB3JQpr23vXI

But the RIVM now concedes that “it makes sense that as a single [person] you also want to have physical contact” while warning that the risks of such intimacy should be managed. “Discuss how best to do this together,” the RIVM suggests. “For example, meet with the same person to have physical or sexual contact (for example, a cuddle buddy or ‘sex buddy’), provided you are free of illness. Make good arrangements with this person about how many other people you both see. The more people you see, the greater the chance of (spreading) the coronavirus.”

“Proximity and physical contact are not a luxury, they are basic needs,” Duits wrote. “If we have learned anything from the Aids epidemic, it is that not having sex is not an option.”

Did Covid-19 change our priorities and way of dating? 

I am not sure yet but here are i share some of my maybe lessons / reflections learned.  Which things have you took With you From Quarantine? I hope we will become more aware, grateful and  maybe  be able to appreciate people’s time and presence more than before. 

Everyone wants to love and no one want to take risk. Love is an “created collective illution” that everyone persues but  no one really  know how it works. No one teaches us about it. Take a look to this short movie, beatiful and sad at the same time. We are broken being searching for love to be repaired but if it doesn’t work then we are disappointed and blame others.

In quarantine, dates became a different kind of challenging. How do you make them happen when there is no sitter, there are no places to go, and we’ve already been spending all of our time together anyway? We figured it out though – and in doing so, discovered the magic of simplicity. A picnic in the backyard, cooking a new recipe together, watching a movie snuggled on the couch with your favorite theater snacks. We got creative with our limited options, and that allowed us to focus on and rediscover the importance of intentional time together – truly being present and enjoying each other’s company, instead of just sitting in the same room. So as we move forward into the next phase of this, remember: dates don’t have to be big, stressful events. Just be intentional with your time together and make it about really connecting with each other. https://blog.prepare-enrich.com/2020/05/things-to-take-with-you-from-quarantine/?fbclid=IwAR1sMC4gdWX8gJmggL8z4AgwXUcy-7-ZQzqNxMDNdjUOYxmLlmS29N_4_cM

It seems that “quality” over “quantity” combats dating burnout.  

‘Slow dating’ is for busy people who want real connection. Slow dating typically entails limiting how many potential love interests you’re engaging with. This can be beneficial when you’re feeling the effects of “swipe thumb,” “dating app fatigue” or even “burnout”, notes Christie Tcharkhoutian M.A., a licensed marriage and family therapist. Yes, dating can create anxiety and depression specially it you are expecing validation from your matches.  Do you want to be scored ont the  dating apps? People constantly do. 

Some people do prefer and thrive with this ‘reflexive dating’, but many prosper when they have “fewer matches and an opportunity to humanize and be more reflective about the process,” says Tcharkhoutian. “Slow dating is a way to be more engaged in the process of dating rather than becoming a consumer in a buffet of people where you can pick and choose how much you like people than believe that a relationship is a co-created process between two imperfect people, in which you will change and improve with your partner. When trying to find your match, quality over quantity can sometimes be the name of the game, and what you’ll hopefully discover with the fewer quantity of people, is that every single person has value and is ‘quality’ and it’s just a matter of discovering what’s underneath the surface to see if they are someone whose internal qualities are compatible with yours.

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Marks out of 10: how attractive do you think you are? Perhaps you’d describe yourself as a six on a good hair day, or seven when you’ve caught the sun? Attractiveness, after all, is subjective, and can change from day to day. Besides, isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder? But the truth is, if you have ever used an internet dating app, your desirability has been rated. It has to be. User rankings are integral to how most mainstream dating apps, purportedly including Tinder and Bumble, function. So would you want to know how you scored?https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/17/sexy-dating-app-algorithms-score

When too much freedom kills us: Must watch Tedx talk about too much choice and happiness.

Singlehood in Oslo

Being single in Oslo can be a lot of  fun or it can be hell, depending on what you are looking for. Oslo is one of the capital in the World with more single people or people living alone. Meeting/dating norwegians outside the dating apps or in general, is not always easy especially now now with Covid-19. Norwegian are not italians or latins as you may notice ( maybe only when they are on holidays outside their home country and have a lot of alcohol in their blood), even if they are very polite, sporty and correct, meeting them in a normal situation is hard. I guess that having mainly expats friends, no having yet a good job  in a norwegian context, or being already  40 make it even more challenging but not impossible. With age, reflection after speaking to my over 40 friends, we become more exigent and we know what we don’t want anymore. Ultimately, dating apps are just a platform and a tool in your hands. It may not work for all. In which case, you have to be brave enough to admit that it isn’t working and make the switch from online to connecting with real people offline. We prefer to be alone in our own company than in bad company. It is an art enjoying being alone, embrace it.

The highest proportion (52.9 %) of single-person households in Europe was recorded in the Norwegian capital region of Oslo. Norway residents are one of the top users of dating apps on the continent – 31% of people here say they use dating apps. https://bigseventravel.com/2019/10/the-50-best-cities-in-europe-for-single-people/3rd. Oslo, Norway 

I am single and even if i don’t like dating apps, but in Norway you don’t have much choice if you want to meet guys. During the lockdown Covid-19 intense periode, I have been testing almost all of them.  There are many but they don’t always guarantee any quality but too much quantity. I thought that since people were locked home, this will bring better conversation and ways to get to know others deeper. Well, I was wrong about it. I bring  some of my personal experience and opinions about it. I have been discussing about it with my dating partner and friends and many people feel kind of the same. It is very frustrating and sad to see how relationships are becoming more and more superficial. Luckily, it seems that they are still some good people out there. Is there hope? 

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However, a new study, published last month in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, was less positive, finding compulsive use made swipers feel lonelier than they did in the first place. This was particularly bad for those with low self-esteem: the less confident someone was, the more compulsive their use – and the worse they felt at the end of it.

This echoes what is felt by many users. While the web-based dating sites such as Match.com, which apps have largely superceded, aren’t without issues, swipe-based apps have brought with them a new layer of anxiety, prompting an increasing number of users to report malaise.

In fact swipe fatigue has prompted some daters to try an analogue approach. A few years ago, when Tindermania was in full swing, visiting a matchmaker would have seemed outdated at best, tragic at worst. In 2019, the industry has not only prevailed but thrived: gone is matchmaking’s fusty image, replaced with Instagram-worthy, blush-pink branding and a far more inclusive ethos.

It’s no surprise Tinder can feel addictive – the same mechanism is used in gambling, lotteries and video games. In a 2018 documentary, Tinder cofounder Jonathan Badeen admitted its algorithm had been inspired by the behavioural reinforcement psychology he’d learned about as an undergraduate. Referred to as a variable ratio reward schedule, in it participants are given a number of unpredictable responses before the one they want, in this case a match. The unexpected hit of the win reinforces the searching behaviour, which is why you keep on swiping.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2019/aug/11/dating-apps-has-tinder-lost-its-spark.

Dr Laurie Santos examines why our society wrongly prioritises choice over happiness. For an even deeper dive into the research we talk about in the show visit happinesslab.fm Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices. Listen her podcast about overload choices: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3AuDxUUKCR36xHrfS0wN4l?si=ocyG0glQQlGEuWzSYTR7wA

More is not always the answer, it is wrong. Quantity is not happiness. Loneliness, depression, competition, consumption and society beauty model are programming us as the medicine to heal our soul. Guess what, constant distraction, consumption is having the opposite effect it is disconnect us from our self and from others too.

Let me develop this a bit more here. Today, we all make thousands of choices each day – and it make us think that we’re in charge of our lives. But making even trivial decisions – about salad dressings or a pair of shoes, for example – can take our energy and cause anxiety. Have you ever experienced that?  Then it means that you experienced what we call “decision fatigue” :  feeling mentally exhausted and being unable to make a choice. When we have to much too choose we lose commitment and focus on what we really want.  The overchoice phenomenon affects us in all areas of our life, including our love life too.

The phenomenon of overchoice occurs when many equivalent choices are available.[3] Making a decision becomes overwhelming due to the many potential outcomes and risks that may result from making the wrong choice. Having too many approximately equally good options is mentally draining because each option must be weighed against alternatives to select the best one. The satisfaction of choices by number of options available can be described by an inverted “U” model.[4] In this model, having no choice results in very low satisfaction. Initially more choices lead to more satisfaction, but as the number of choices increases it then peaks and people tend to feel more pressure, confusion, and potentially dissatisfaction with their choice. Although larger choice sets can be initially appealing, smaller choice sets lead to increased satisfaction and reduced regret. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overchoice

In other words, we are never satisfy of your choice, always feels worse. The other was better. We are not trusting someone 100% anymore, so better to keep the other options open. We are afraid to go to fast or too slow into commitment, better to be able to run away as soon as possible… Never being fully present but part time, planing the break-up even before the “getting to know”. 

It is so exhausting to have too many options, but if we choose any,  how to know is the good one? Well, it will be the “one” if you don’t invest time, dedication and efforts on it. If you keep using as many dating apps as possible,  you will have the impression that you have them all but at the end, you have none of them. More you try, more you change, more you take them for granted and so less pleasure get because it doesn’t excited anymore. It soon will become a “mechanical activity” like watching TV everyday or brushing your teeth.  You don’t get surprise any more. You don’t try to surprise anyone anymore because it is so easy and simple to have sex that is it taken for granted.

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Is the ‘Dating app Apocalypse imminent

While many blame the rise of “technology and apps” for lesser human contact, under the Covid-19, it has shown the opposite, technology created proximity. To start with, we can debate whether dating apps work, and they obviously have in many cases, and in other haven’t. One has to contend that the results and experience vary depending on our expectations. One has to be vocal about what we are looking for whether is a “hook up”, casual sex, to date casually, or to date as a way of actively looking for a relationship, even if many don’t really know or sometimes lies.

And if as me, you are not seeing desired results online, you have to have the “courage” to connect in the normal way, with people in the flesh, even if it is hard in Norway. Do you remember how it works? Many don’t know any longer how to talk to a woman when not drunk. Stay positive and open and join as many activities as you can. People should have the courage to meet and interact with real people. If dating apps are not working for you, get out into the real world and meet people with a common interest. Join a book club, gym or hobby class where you are likely to connect with people having similar interests, which will also give you something to bond over. Don’t be obsessess to find you a boyfriend and enjoy the process of enjoying what you like doing and meeting new people.

Dr Sagar Mundada, a psychiatrist, explains, “The process of dating has become complex. It’s no longer about hanging out and getting to know one another. There’s a lot of planning involved, and instead of going with the flow, people want to be in control, setting things up to achieve a perfect end goal. This planning takes a toll and you stop enjoying the dating experience and that’s why dating app fatigue sets in.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UAg4Axhg6gAre you suffering from dating app fatigue? and https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/are-you-suffering-from-dating-app-fatigue/articleshow/70552359.cms

You don’t need to invite anyone to the restaurant, go for a coffee and talk because it can be just too uncomfortable or too intimate for many guys. While coming to one place is simply easy, you just have to perform. The main stream is : “It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad as long you get your own pleasure”. No connection or intimacy is needed anymore, just connsumption. The less you attach yourself , the less you open up and the better is it, so we don’t need to get too involved with the person. You don’t need to know about her past or future because when she/he talk, you are not listening or even interested.  Do you reconize yourself here? How do you date? How do you feel the other person? How much are you ready to open up and trust a person in a first date ? How much are you ready to give and how fast?

There are many types of dating apps as there are many types of guys dating styles . Which dating style are you?

  • The fuck and go and/or ghosting guy

Tinder is still the most effective app if you wangt to get a quick “ONS” but not many people wantt more than that. The others apps are boring and unintersting. There is also the new phenomenon of  “ghosting”people, this shows less and less respect or honestly towards the other person. So, all in all, i am very disspointed and sceptical about it. Maybe i am a romantic old fashion lover and i don’t fit this new “fast sex market” or ” fuck and go” trend.  I am more into slow sex than “fast sex”.  The problem is that there are too many choices and it create less and less committement and dedication to one person or thing.

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Have ever dated a ghost?  It is not a very beautiful experience. Read more about it here:

But dating apps have more or less normalized the act of ghosting the strangers we chat with or meet on the internet. (Everyone knows what it’s like to shout “hello” into the abyss.) And while we all know that ghosting has become a kind of modus operandi for those who mediate much of their human interaction through technology, we have yet to truly grapple with the void that ghosting leaves unfilled.

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/lamvo/ghosting-dating-tinder-bumble-emotional-debt:

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Do you know what?!Sometimes I just wanna “shoop” baby. When is good, is good but  most of the time it get boring, empty and meaningles. We are human so yes, listen to the song: I wanna shoop” of Salt and Peper.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vaN01VLYSQ

“On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop
To the next man in the three-piece suit
I spend all my dough, ray me cutie
Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo
I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams
You make me wanna scream, ooh ooh ooh
I like what ya do, when you do
What ya do, you make me wanna shoop”

  • Pretending to be interested guy

Another strategy is to stay focused and attentive until you get what you want.  He will contatc you for a walk or a jogg and will  look really interested on you. You will notice that he will exagerate eyes contact, physical contact like taking your hand, asking extra questions and looking really passionate about what you’re saying. He is literally eating your words…

I really noticed how difficult is it for them to just be or behave as they really are. There is the natural social distancing that is always there. It must be really tiring to mirror and mimic another person behavior insider to get her/his interest just to get to bed with her/him.

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  • Divorced  or separated over 45 with kids : carrying a lot of “their past shits” around : Looking for the second big love after many years of marriage. They want to stay single every second a week and have to regular fucking younger friend with not to much commitement. You should like kids and you should not want anymore kids with them becuause they are done with the baby production.
  • The workaholic, first and activities first: He never puts you as a priotity  in his life. I hqve never understood why they are on adqting qpp when they don’t hqve the time to meet you and don’t know wht they really want.
  • And many more categories, but this is not exhaustive list of it. 

When less is more and better

If you wanna make the right choice then you have to narrow down your millions of choices. It is good to ask yourself what you really want, what are you really looking for up there and why? It is just for fun? For something keeper? Or serious relationship? Could you imagine the kind of relationship you want? Which one are the characteristics of the person you are looking for?

I feel that we are slowly becoming slaves of the consumption system in our society, with goods and now with people too. We are never satisfied. Having more then means better. More doesn’t means more happiness. Having less choice help, you to get better quality but above all, also allows us to appreciate more what we have and to appreciate quality with people that really want to spend quality time with us too. If you focus on that you will find people looking for the same.

Stop using multiple dating app, dating many girls/boys at the same same as trying to stay focus. Don’t compare all the time. Stop being a sheep following the mainstream dating. If you wanna be a toy girl or toy boy a period of your life then keep having fun. After a while you will just notice, that being treated without value and used with not clear purpose than sex.

Remember: you are unique, your body is a temple and deserve to be respected and appreciated fully.You deserved to be loved.

We are conditioned with more. More time, more wealth, better with more. More love  and we prove yourself more, to be more love. If we chose less, we do less but better and more dedicated and that makes us happier.

I really recommend you to watch  this video “Desmistifying The one”  By Esther Perel.  The one doesn’t exist but we build it up day by day together. 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10163195243115512&id=637805511?sfnsn=mo&extid=eJejTfbo2b7lHeRu&d=n&vh=e

Evolution of dating – comparing the last 5 decades

Why childhood sweethearts no longer measure up – and six other ways dating has changed. A new study has found that online dating is now the dominant way heterosexual people find romantic partners. What else can we learn? or future generations, the question: “How did you and Grandad meet?”, will be answered with: “Tinder, obviously.” Within eight years, the internet has become the dominant way heterosexual couples meet. The latest How Couples Meet and Stay Together study by Stanford University found that 39% of heterosexual couples met through online dating or apps, up from 22% in 2009, when the study was last conducted. Life has been disrupted by technology, and so has dating. What else can we learn about how romance has changed?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jul/22/why-childhood-sweethearts-no-longer-measure-up-and-six-other-ways-dating-has-changed

Use your “Erotic intelligence” too. We need more of it. Check some tips out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO0xgj3kEuI

Last tips if you manage to be into a relationship :

I would like to finish with  “Carmen”, a Stromae song. About Love and SOME. 

Carmen is a song by Belgian singer Stromae, the sixth single from his second album Racine carrée.song is an adaptation of the aria L’amour est un oiseau rebelle (Love is a rebellious bird – more commonly known in English as Habanera), from the opera Carmen by French composer Georges Bizet. The song addresses the theme of alienation through social networks.

L’amour est comme l’oiseau de Twitter
On est bleu de lui, seulement pour 48h
D’abord on s’affilie, ensuite on se follow
On en devient fêlé, et on finit solo

Prends garde à toi
Et à tous ceux qui vous like
Les sourires en plastique sont souvent des coups d’hashtag
Prends garde à toi
Ah les amis, les potes ou les followers
Vous faites erreurs, vous avez juste la côte

L’amour est enfant de la consommation
Il voudra toujours toujours toujours plus de choix
Voulez voulez-vous des sentiments tombés du camion
L’offre et la demande pour unique et seule loi

Et c’est comme ça qu’on s’aime s’aime s’aime s’aime
Comme ça consomme somme somme somme somme

Un jour t’achètes, un jour tu aimes
Un jour tu jettes, mais un jour tu payes
Un jour tu verras, on s’aimera
Mais avant on crèvera tous, comme des rats

Conclution: 

Now i am in none dating app and i am not dating anyone, i never really did. I have decided to be in a constant date with myself and put my energy, love and passion on my hobbies and nature that give me energy and motivation to stay postive and happy. 

Stop prioritizing too much work, more burden and stressful time that give less quality of time with your family and friends. Instead get more quality time doing less superficiql things and focusing into the essential and simple things of life. Touch, kiss, hugs, breath,  break free, be in nature and be in peace with yourself.

We constantly avoid to face and grow from our fears, failed dreams and struggles and we “prefer” we are fine hidden them. We think this is easier but in the long term is is just getting worse. We constantly wear several mask in the outside world, so often we don’t know anymore who we really are. We are unable to be ourselves from of others because we are afraid to be regretted or hurt. Do you prefer to pretend to be a happy life hidden yourself and being loved by fake people? Or would you like to be yourself and be loved for who you are? Stay authentic qnd always be grateful of what you have.

Of course, we all want and long for love and sex but at which costs? Our mental health is more important and put your energy in people and thing that take you for grated and don’t deserved you. You are not “an” option anymore, you are “the” only option if they want you. 

Good luck

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Norma Carpediem

 

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